what they called soulmate

I see you standing there
Watching you breathing my air
Holding hands with someone else
Feel this love that I bare

Why you said your love to me won't ever die
When you know that it's only a lie
Why you made me trust
That it's love, not a lust
Days were gone, I'm still standing on

(Chorus)
To love you is something that true
No one can tell me that's what I can't do
To want you forever just you
To loose the thirst drink the water from you
Don't wanna deny our faith
We are what they call soulmate
The promise we made

They tell me the love we had
Shouln't happen by any reason
But to feel once your love
Making my life more complete

Cause you said your love to me won't ever die
When you know that it's only a lie
You made me trust
Love, not a lust
Days were gone, Still standing on

(Repeat chorus)

If i could do anything to show that i need you
There's so many reasons i could never end baby
I wanna show the whole world of how you once loved me
I don't wanna cry no more feeling this love
wasted by you

(Repeat chorus)

by: Agnes Monica

nonsense

Hi stangers, whatcu up to ?

Im in KL now, since perlis got flood, im evacuating my self to here.

Btw, my bf now in KL. He gotta move here. Well, we will be have a long distance relationship. Im not really mind it actually. Hmmmhh.. Idk  what i wanna write. what i wanna post. All is blank in my mind.

You know, i really pain and plain. Seems like i have many things to talk, but it just stuck on my mind. i rather choose to keep it then i spit it out.

I hate to be like this. I hate everything.

I just pretend that i love everything. And pretend that everything alright. Although i know actually there many thing to fix. I hate to say that everything perfect, and i know it's a lie.

Puhlease. My blogs really dont make a sense. NONSENSE. BIG NONSENSE.

TRASH !

story about 'MS'

Hai strangers, how are you in these day? Sorry for leaving my blogs for couple month. I'm totally busy with every university suck lifes. Everythings happen in here. And the last of this month, 31 oct 2010 is my and our 1st anniversary in here. When we moved from our beloved country, start a new life, and got this suck life. I wish a halloween party actually but it's impossible eh? HAHAHAHAAAA --nuts

But yeah, it's how the lifes roll. Rolling up, rolling down,rolling left, rolling right, rolling eyes :D Oh okay okay, it's too much. I love to be here, i meet something new, i meet a new friends, family, housemate, boyfriend and another some.

You know, i've a one thing that i really love and one thing that it's really my big secret.

But i just let 'someone' to know about it, and i really love.

Okay, lemme write about 'My Someone' (MS)

'My someone' is really mysterious. And i really really really daaaamnnn in love with 'MS'. It's really deep and idk just starring 'MS' with everything that 'MS' do, already make me happy. Ikr, i do like a stupid person. Just make sure 'MS' okay, it's enough for me.

By the way, actually i try to forget 'MS'. I thought i was wrong in it. But what can i do? i really falling love and.....please, im okay to give all my life to 'MS'.

We did everything together, laugh, cry, share, and anything.

One day, when i was in my progress to forget 'MS', 'MS' talked about something that i knew actually 'MS' just kidding on me. But it's really hurt me, you know why? Because i'm still in progress to forget and everything that happens will really touch my sensitive heart.

Then, i just silent. I know, it was my fault. 'MS'didn't mean to actually. 

Mmhh.. yesterday, my heart really broken to many pieces.

'MS' was crying, and crying on my shoulder. And my 'MS' told me a big secret that it was really really really really hurt me :'(

Pleaseeeeeeee heeellllpppppppp ! I can't hold it anymore. But what should i do?

I just can smile, and smile. Support you in every way as long as you happy. 

Dear My someone..

You're really special for me.

I love you and it's really damn much.

I knew, we will never be together.

But the togetherness that we have done are really meaningful to me.

I love you

I love you

I love you

I really really really really really like yooooouuu..

Whatever people said about you.

it was me !

Hi strangers, what's you up to? 

Hmh, i really felt so bad. I really lost every feel in my heart. I dont know how to interest, like, love, and care anymore. I really feel so pain. Painful.  I just feeling so hate about everything. Fragile. I always feel, i ready to lose anything. I'm ready and i'm okay. 

Today i read a tweets:

@ FaktanyaAdalah: # the fact that the man who likes to hurt women is a man who could never appreciate his mother

Not just a man actually, me to as a woman. Sometimes we are failed. Always hurt man's heart although actually we didn't mean to. I just wanna write here, that i dont have any love anymore. Not just for you, but also for everythings in my live, and my self. I'm sorry, it was not your fault, it was me.

I WANT DISSAPEAR !

i love you at this momment

Hai strangers, apa kabar ? Gue galau tapi gue cukup lega sekarang. 

Gue galau karena dia terlihat berubah dan aneh. Tapi lega, karena gue udah bilang sama dia tentang hal terberat yang gue ga bisa bilang sebenernya.

Gue tau. Ini rasanya absurd banget. Gue mencintai orang lain disaat gue udah ada seseorang yang jelas cinta mati sama gue.

Meskipun gue juga harus jujur, gue ga tega menghianati dia.

Gue ga nembak dia. Gue hanya bilang. Ini sulit. Sulit banget buat gue buat jujur ke dia.

Lo tau berapa banyak tulisan yang gue tulis tentang dia ? Lo tau berapa besar sayang gue ke dia ? Lo tau seberapa pengorbanan gue kedia? Dan lo tau betapa sakitnya gue saat gue tau dia udah jadi milik orang lain. Tapi lebih sakit lagi ketika gue tau, orang lain yang dia cintai ternyata menyakiti dia. Ketika dia menangis dibahu gue. Dan menghibur dia.

Saat itu gue tersadar lagi. Rasa cinta gue yang dulu mulai memudar karena gue tau gue salah jatuh cinta lagi dan lagi, sekarang muncul lagi. Gue semakin mencintai dia dan cinta gue ini semakin dalam.

Setiap malam gue menulis apa yang terjadi antara gue dan dia. Apapun. Gue ga mau melewatkan satu kenanganpun tentang dia. 

Gue tau ini ga seharusnya terjadi. Lo siapa, gue siapa. Dan sekarang gue udah jalan dengan siapa. Gue udah cukup sakit menyimpan rasa ini. Tapi cukup bahagia untuk keberanian gue mengungkapkannya.

Lo tetep sama saja akhirnya, seperti seolah ga dengar apa yang gue bilang.

Gue seneng ga ada perubahan yang berarti antara gue dan elo. Hanya aja gue ngerasa lo beda hari ini ?

Ada apa sayang ?

Maaf gue emang bener - bener bukan orang yang diharapkan. Gue bukan siapa - siapa. Bahkan bisa dibilang cinta gue ke elo ini adalah cinta yang salah. Gue lagi - lagi salah dan terjatuh ke lubang yang sama. Gue capek sebenernya begini. Sakit dengan keadaan yang terus menerus seperti ini. 

Biarlah. Biarlah kita sama - sama tau. Biarlah gue menahan rasa ini semuanya. Gue sayang banget sama lo. Dan lo juga tau itu. Sampe buat nge-close last chat antara gue sama lo aja gue ga mau. Betapa banyaknya foto lo yang gue save dan betapa banyaknya yang gue upload. Betapa banyaknya pula notes notes tentang lo yang gue tuliskan di notepad, blogs, ataupun hati gue sendiri. Betapa addicted nya gue tentang lo !

i love you, at this momment

im nobody

Hai strangers, apa kabar? gue ga mau ber english-english ria hari ini. Gue lagi galau banget. Dan sakit sesakit-sakitnya. Ini bukan sakit yang nampak dan bisa diobati dengan obat dokter. Gue sakit hati. Mental gue sakit. Mungkin gue terdengar cupu. Tapi terserah. Gue ga peduli.

Okay, gue mulai.

Gue emang bukan anak dari orang yang tajirrrr banget sejagat raya. Tapi alhamdulillah bokap gue mampu nyekolahin gue, kakak - kakak gue bahkan adik - adik gue sampe sekarang.

Gue juga bukan anak yang jenius banget kayak einstein. Atau siapapun yang sekali denger langsung bisa nangkep materi pelajaran.

Gue juga bukan orang yang punya sense humor dengan benar. Kadang gue bercanda kelewatan, bahkan kakak gue juga sebel sama gue.

Malah katanya gue ini dulu mau dibuang, gara2 nyokap gue udah kelebihan punya anak. Tapi karena gue udah berusia 3bulan dikandungan, jadinya gue ga jadi dibuang.

Gue ga mengharapkan apa apa dari hidup dan kehidupan gue yang biasa ini.

Gue hanya mau dihargai. Itu udah cukup. Sayangnya, engga ada yang mau menghargai gue.

Sepertinya, gue ini udah terlalu sering ga menghargai orang sampe ga ada yang mau menghargai gue.

Gue ga pernah ngebully adek junior gue dulu waktu sekolah. Mereka mau ber elo-gue sama gue juga gapapa. 

Gue hanya pengen hidup yang tenang.

Gue berusaha buat baik buat siapapun, meskipun gue tau kadang karena gue baik sama orang justru ngebuat gue sakit sendiri.

Terlampau baik, gue engga pernah dihargai.

Gue ini manusia loh, teman.

Gue bahagiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget bisa kenal sm kalian.

Hidup sama kalian.

Jadi bagian kalian.

Serumah sama kalian.

Gue ga pernah nganggep kalian itu cuman sekedar teman. Apalagi antara junior - dan senior.

Sebisa mungkin, kalian sakit, gue juga sakit.

Gue selalu berusaha melakukan yang terbaik buat kalian.

Gue selalu berusaha mengalah, meski gue tau gue paling kecil dirumah ini.

dan gue ga ada apa apanya. Bahkan bukan siapa siapa.

Gue inget banget waktu salah satu dari kalian bilang :

" kalo lo serumah sama kita, kalo lo perlu nanya apa-apa. bisa nanya2 ke kita "

Tapi nyatanya apa?

Sekedar untuk mengajari otak gue yang udah lumpuh ini pun sulit.

Gue cuma pengen gue berhasil, dan meraih mimpi- mimpi gue.

Engga ngecewain bokap nyokap gue yang menaruh banyak harapan ke gue.

Gue pengen ngebuktiin ke mereka -mereka yang pernah meremehkan gue.

Itu aja harapan gue sama kalian.

Tapi nyatanya, harapan gue itu seperti ga pernah terwujud.

Gue bukan siapa - siapa

Gue rela kalian babuin asal kalian bahagia.

Apa itu kurang cukup ?

Apa mesti masa lalu terulang lagi?

Gue capek. Gue bener bener capek.

Gue pengen hidup yang lebih baik, tuhaaaaaaaannnnnn !

Tapi apa gue bisa melakukan sesuatu?

Lagi - lagi jawabannya engga.

Karena gue bukan siapa - siapa.

dan lagi lagi gue ga bisa mengharapkan bantuan siapapun.

Gue mesti bersusah payah berusaha sendiri.

dear my beloved friends, my housemates

i really love to be your friends

i always try to always be nice be with you

although i know,

you'll never always wanna be my friends

and you'll never feel nice to be with me.

big smile from deep of my heart,

i wish you'll never know about this friends

excuser

je suis désolé, je suis mensonge. Je suis désolé pour chaque cigarette que j'ai fumé.

Je suis désolé d'être menti sur vous. Je suis désolé pour tous. à tous.

Je suis désolé de mon plus profond du cœur. Je sais que tu ne m'a jamais permis. et j'ai promis de stop.

i suis désolé je n'ai toujours que, jusqu'à présent.

Je ne peux pas arrêter pour l'instant. J'essaie itry et toujours essayer. et je suis encore sur vous que je l'ai déjà arrêté

sorry

i

I really sorry to write like this. I really sorry about secret that i always keeped for many years. I really sorry to try killed my self. I really sorry makes people who loved me dissapoint about me. I really sorry why i dont strong to live in my life. I really sorry about everything. I just felt hate to live in my life since 2 years ago. I'm a loser. Yeah i know. I'm a foolish. I try to sabotage my self. I won't explain you all here what i've done with my body. I just try to kill my self. And the effect just now happen, when my life now so colorful. I get all. I have all. And i try to love it. Regret ? Nope. That's all destiny. I just wanna say sorry here. For everything.

gorgeous

Hi strangers, what are you doing ? I just back from my spontanteous holiday! Yeah, i just back from Kuala Lumpur with my bf. Actually i just wanna take a book from nanda, than back again to perlis. FYI : perlis - kl need 6-8hr. So, you can imagine how sick my backbone! But my bf said to me to stay one nite in KL, yeah he was rite. we were exhausted. dang! spontaneous we were going to KL by bus at 11pm ! Arrived in KL at 6-7am. We keep walked in the morning. Until both of us decided to spend the time in KL central while we were waiting for nanda who will arrive at 5pm. PM! LOL ! After we are going to KLCC, as usual. spent our days together. Then i remembered, kak jingga was in KL. I tweeted her " hallo..i'm in KL looh ". At 2pm, she called me and we met up. We are walked, watched movies and did anything. Until midnite, i took her with us. I can't left her alone to bach her friends home by taxi. In the morning, we went to sungai wang to have  a breakfast before kak jingga take us to kak melly's apartment. She was stay there. Until finally, the short and spontaneous holiday was happen. From one nite, we are stayed there for one weeks! Oh my...

Sunday afternoon, i decided to back to perlis. Than i continued my trip on monday morning! How a weird trip. I seems as a 'bolang'. 3 days 2 nite in penang. With Ina, Dea and my bf. We had fun and really fun.

Thanks for a great holiday mates.

Thanks for an expectacular holiday, boyfriend. 

memorize

Hi strangers, i'm sorry to forget my blogs for aloooooong times. Yeah, i kindda busy and i've another social media that make me can't managing, what is mine that i should open first ? Absolutely, i choose twitter, than facebook, thaaaaan.... maybe tumblr and blogspot. By the way, tumblr it's the main reason why i forgetting my blogspot :D 

Tumblr is a blog but looks simply and chick.

Fashionable and multifunction than blogspot.

 But whatever, i still and always love my blogspot. I knew you before i know them. You're my best friend that never judge me what ever i wrote, what ever on my mind. I've a lot of story in this blogs. And have another blogs in one account. Wow, i realized how love i am to write, to share and finally totally realived. Before i write this posting, as usual, i do blog - walking. Yeah, it works. Helping me to back on my mood. I read my last blog and i read my old posting. Great, i've a lot of story in my live. I noted it on my blogs. Although i'm didn't write who are they in my posting, but it help me to open my memorize. nostalgia. Oh my...

Many stories happened in these day. My mood turns like a roller coaster or space shoot. Up and down. Up and down. Imma hurt, imma down, imma happy, and imma smile. Ah, random. But i really skip my class today. I really not in the mood until now i write this blog * lil' bit better *. Sometimes i thought my past, i did like a poet or what is the name the people who always love to make a poem or poetry. And how's my life now? I'm simply. I dont wanna tell anything. Imma closer. And i wont write anything too long. I just realized how's the life. What is the real life. 

How's my life in the future? Let this posting will be a memorize in the future.

careless

Hi stranger, i'm getting over stress in these day.in the morning, always as usual. Fucking random things. But, today is a tiring day to me. Tired of my heart and body. I'm a human not a robot. Why every people always blame me ? I don't know anything. I just a connector. Am my face is like an idiot person? Or i'm too fool to be nice to every people ? What should i do? what i have done ? What did you do? You blame me , i hate it. And better that i don't care. Uncare is better than being hurt.

all is over

Hi. Hello. How are you stranger ? I felt like i'm not me. I felt another soul come to my body and 'they' are now live inside. i'm a stranger.  I dont know who i am. What is my life. How i should live. How i survive in my life. And how to 'dont give up in my life'. I dont know when that's all totally begin. That's all totally changes me. And it was shocking me when i realized it. Actually i'm okay if i'm not realized it and i'm not explained what i've done. But nope! i can't. I need evaluation to make evolution in my life. I felt i was melting when i realize that's all wrong. I'm over. I'm totally a jerk . I'm bastard. I'm a loser. I wanna suicide but it won't ever solving the problem .I smile. And it's a  fake smile. Pretending that everything is okay. I heard many songs to make sure that everything is okay and tried to relax my mind. really i wanna cry but i can't. AAAAAAAAAAARGH! I'm wrong. I'm a shit ! I'm a dummy daughter ! What should i do ? Everything totally over. take me out please !

I'm happy but I'm empty

*click*

He love me but he don't know me

Hai stranger, i was shocked yesterday. I had a big quarrel and fight with my bf. I was mad of him. Maybe you think it's too funny and i told a lie story. But i'm not. It's true ! Well, you can laugh if you wanna laugh.

Me and my bf already have a relationship more than 3 month. And you know yesterday (16/3) we've a class in the lab. He brought his laptop and me still used lab computer. He told me to use his laptop but i'm not. I'm too tired to move to another pc. Then he sat behind me. We are silent and still focus to our workself. Suddenly, he told me to open his first fb account. He has two account of fb and he closed his fb account because the 1st fb ever made us quarrel. He told me that he removed already friends in his fb except his arabic friends. Then he asked me, is he need to add me as his friend again? I told to him " No, you aren't needed me in your 1st account and i'm not needed many fb account of you ". He still forced me to add me. I told no and he STILL FORCED me. Until i'm gave up then i said " okay, add me ". 

You know, it's the started of all quarrel. When he wanna typed my name on searched box, he asked me about my name. FUCK ! YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ,DUDE ? WE ALREADY HAD A RELATIONSHIP FOR MORE THAN 3 MONTH AND NOW YOU ASKED ME WHOSE MY NAME ?!

He knew me , but he can't wrote my name. Okay, maybe my name is too difficulted for him. BUT, i'm his girlfriend. Hellooooooo... If i were him, although i'm an asean girl and arabic name heard so starnge in my ears, I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER AND CAN WRITE HIS NAME. BECAUSE HE IS MY BF! I was shocked ! At the time i also opened my fb and he tried to look my fb page. I scrolled down to hide my name. My full name. He logged out his fb and he wanna open his 2nd account. I asked him " What do you wanna do? looking my name on your 2nd fb ? ". He answered me " Yeah ". Spontaneus, i laughed. He laughed. And my friends around me laughed. We all laughed. Then my laughed changes to cry. I felt so hate. He silent and he tried to apologize. I just cried on my silent. He hugged me and still whisped me to tell that he's wrong. It's too sick to knew that he didn't know me although it just a full name. He still whisp me " sayang, i'm sorry. i know you. please forgive me " . I told to him " You don't know me and don't touch me ! ". He still sat behind me, hugged me and holded my hand while whisped in my ears. 30 minutes later, he is gone and when he back, he brought a tissue. I threw away the tissue. And i threw his phone *Nowadays, i'm still borrowed his cellphone*. I changed my relationship status on fb and i deactived my account. He still whisped me and told " sayang, you can't do like this. i can't call you if you do like this. pleaseeeee ". HELL YOU ! WHAT DID YOU CARE ABOUT ME ? EVEN JUST NAME, FULL NAME, YOU DIDN'T KNOW !

Last nite, i've a chat with one of my bf. Kak tia. She gave me a song to imagine how is my condition.

Let me go

One more kiss could be the best thing
Or one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And your not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go, let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
But all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't 
You love me but you don't 
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know who I am
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't 
You love me but you don't 
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know me 

*sigh*

random things

Hai strangers, apa kabar ? Untuk kesekian kalinya gue bilang : gue benci untuk disakiti dan menyakiti. Ini bukan tentang gue dan cowo gue, yea. Ini tentang kehidupan. Realistis aja kalo manusia ini kadang engga bisa nyantai. Buat calm down aja kayaknya susah banget. Oh iya satu hal lagi : diskriminasi. Benci dan membenci itu kayaknya hal biasa banget dalam kehidupan. Lo pernah ga perhatiin sekitar lo, kalo misalnya temen lo ( A ) dan temen lo yang lain ( B ) bercanda dan candaannya itu kelewatan, tapi si B ga marah sm si A. Justru candaannya itu jadi bahan tertawaan. Nah, sekarang coba gantian lo yang gantian becandain. Apa yang terjadi ? kadang malah jadi sewot dan ga nyantai abis. Nyebelin ! Apa yang salah sama diri kita ya ? Kalo menurut analisa gue ya, nyantai dan ga nyantainya seseorang itu berpengaruh sama benci ga bencinya orang sama kita. Sakit hati banget ya kalo udah begitu. Tapi mau gimana lagi ? Dari orang - orang yang hidup didunia ini kita kan ga bisa maksain mereka buat suka sama kita. Jalan satu - satunya yaaaa.... kita nahan hati aja. Sabar. Hmmhh... Yaudahlah, gue udah stuck mau nulis apa lagi. Semoga postingan gw selanjutnya gw bisa lebih nyantai dan berbobot. 

 

 see ya 

happy b'day to me *finally

Happy b'day to me..

Happy b'day to me..

Happy b'day, Happy b'day..

Happy b'day to me.........

Ga terasa udah setahun berlalu. Gue masih inget pas temen2 gue ngucapin b'day dan nanya " mau kado apa ? ". Rasanya itu bener2 baru terjadi kemaren. And hell yeah, semalem pas pas malem gue b'day, gue bilang ke housemate gue : " gue mau pake baju bagus ah. siapa tau ada yang dateng kasih surprise ". Meskipun gue tau itu nonsense. 2-3 jam sebelum 00.00 waktu malaysia, gue masih sempet chattingan sama Rama, childhood gue yang paling baik dan gebleg. Do'i sengaja chattingan sama gue biar do'i ga ngantuk dan pengen jadi yang pertama ngucapin. Sambil chatting - chattingan ga jelas gitu, gue juga chattingan sama kk gue. Walopun chattingan sama dia lebih ga jelas lagi. Kebanyakan kaburnya. And then, gue yang biasa nge-play lagu justin biebir, greenday dan paramore, langsung gue stop menjelang 23.50. Gue buka www.downloads.nl . Nyari lagu b'day. Eh dapet aja. Banyak sih, tapi ada satu lagu yang 'sreg' di gue. Tapi gue ga tau itu lagunya siapa. Dentingan gitarnya dan intro yang sloooowww banget bikin gue tambah sedih. Jam 00.59 temen-temen gue udah mulai ngucapin. Tanda merah -merah notification mulai bertambah. Gue udah mulai sibuk ngebalesin satu - satu dan juga mulai bingung dengan pertanyaan temen gue " mau kado apa? ". Eh, engga lama, roomate gue keluar kamar. Gue sih udah biasa banget ngautis sendirian dikamar. Tanpa harus bertanya, " Lo mau kemana ? ". And then, I heard they are singing while opened the door " Happy b'day ayuuuu.. Happy b'day ayuuuu ". Segera gue make a wish dan tiup lilin yang udah lumer beraaaatt. Gue dikasih chiffon cokelat dan diatasnya ada mainan anak kecil yang genduuuttt trus ada payungnya. Hahahaa.. Engga hanya itu, ada lagi yang menarik dan ini gue sukaaaaaaa banget banget banget ! Mereka kasih gue coca cola 3 botol besar ! damn, i really2 love it! 

Oh iya, lilin udah ditiup tapi belum dipotong. Pada kue pertama gue bingung mau kasih kesiapa. Bukan berarti rasa sayang gue ke mereka ga adil ya. Gue sayang semuanya tapi tentu aja mereka ga bisa gue suapin satu satu dengean serentak. Toh tangan gue cuma dua hehee.. Trus mereka pada bilang kue pertama buat papa. Yaaahh gue disitu cuma bilang " Papa, semoga cepet sembuh. I wish your surgery will be successful ". You know what ? I cried. Ini pertama kalinya dalam hidup gue, gue nangis di hari b'day gue. Kuenya gue makan sendiri dong karena buat bokap gue. Trus yang kedua buat nyokap, gue makan sendiri lagi :D nah yang ketiga dan seterusnya baru gue kasih ke housemate gue. Intan, Dea, Ina, Baby and also neighbor Kak Intan dan Kak Taiyo *Thanks yaaa udah mau dateng walopun udah tidur dan dibangunin lagi hehe* .

Okay, I sleep at 02.30 setelah gue rasa tangan gue udah hampir lumpuh bales balesin wall, sms, tweet yang akhirnya berhenti sejenak. Dan gue bangun lagi jam 7 pagi. Gue liat ada sms temen - temen gue , bokap, nyokap dan juga missed call. My mom called me but i didn't answer. And i replied to call me again but not yet call me. Yaudah gapapa deh, bokap gue juga tadi udah bilang di sms jam 8 ini operasinya dimulai. Mungkin mereka sibuk. Thanks dad, thanks mom.

Oncemore, really thanks to housemate :
Dea, Intan, Baby, Ina, Ve

Neighbor :
Kak Intan, Kak Taiyo

Boys :

Fakhri, Azka, Aan, Kak Guggy

And also my beloved bf, Yazeed alkhateeb :)

Thanks for all . I can't write one by one .

i miss you in every way

Hi strangers, as usual i wish you all in a good condition to read and meet me again :)

Well, 31 october 2009. It's mean 3 month ago and now almost 4 month, i move to here. It's too many memorize that i left. * tring * ( try to flash back ).

4 month ago, i just stay at home. I already finished my damn senior high school ( finally ). There's too many things that i get. And as long as i stayed at home, sometimes i had a quarrel with my father. Exactly, one month before i move to here, i feels so hate my father. And i can't wait for the momment to move here.  Time running fast. 2weeks before i move here, my father really - really so care with me ( i thought, because his daughter will left him ). Then i always went to everywhere, every place with my father. Until at the momment, only both of us at the car, while he drived. He told me : " daughter, now you already follow me and my activity to get money. It's just for you, for my children. I wish you can successful at there. And if you already success, may i take a money from you ? ".

Oh god.. I just answered my father answer with laughing face. I always did it if i don't know what should i do. 

" Hahaa.. it's okay paa.. i'll give you money and will give you everything that you want if i already get a successful ".

------------------------------

At the time when i went to here. My family read me a yassin. Wish me get successful in here. I didn't want to cry. I saw my mother, my brother and my sister. Again and again thinking and thinking about the memorize that already had done. It's the time we all grew up. And it's the time all the children of my parents choose the own way. We will get a future and we aren't together to reach it.

Until the time i will get my flight, my father cried and also my grand mother. Oh damn! What should i do ? I told to them and make sure that i will be alright.

-----------------------------

Now, after take a shower, i look my phone got a message. It's from my father. He told me that he will go to jakarta. To operate his eyes. Nobodies accompany him. 4 month ago, when he get sick, i always accompany him. My father told me, everybody at home all busy. So he will go to jakarta by himself. Dad, if i'm at there, if i'm in your side, exactly i wanna accompany you ! But i realize, i can't back home now.

I remembered all things that we've done. When i told a story about my family to my friends in here, the tittle is about you. Without i realized, i already spent my time with you. So many times. 

------------------------------------

I miss you, dad. I miss you, papa

I really really sorry for everything

Your daughter,

Take care and good night

i heart my new lomo

Hi strangers, how are you in these day ? I hope you all still enjoying your suck life, yea. Damn. I've new hobbies now. After i move to here ( Malaysia ), i don't have any gadget to take a picture anymore, beside camera phone. It just 3,2MP :( . That's why i missed my nikon d300 badly !

Okay, maybe 1 weeks ago, when me and my bf went to KL, i have an idea to buy a camera. But it's not a SLR or Digicam. It is LOMO. Yeah, it just a toys cam. But the result is so funny and i like it! We just need a roll of film and click. Doesn't matter the result. And it always make us wondering about the result. Alright, there are many type of lomo camera's. Actually i want an oktomat. But the stock is empty :( . I want buy a diana mini, but too expensive. I'm a bored person. I afraid, if i buy an expensive gadget, i'll get bore and the gadget will useless. Arrived at there, i went to pavilion on searching Mooks shop. I got it! As i told, oktomat stock is empty, so i bought POP9. It seems as oktomat. It has 9 lense. The different is : POP9 has a flash. Hmmmhh...

 

I bought it for RM: 156.00

( excluding film )

And the film. Asa800 limited edition, 25th year anniversary of lomography :

 

 

Too expensive : RM24.00

And last, the result :

 

 
( Click the picture to zoom in )

hahhahahaa i just put it on my plain room :)

I love to experiment and love to enjoying my new camera. I wish, i can take a picture better and make my room more beautiful ;) 

letter for my beloved friends

you'r my friend and that is true,
but the gift was given from me to you.
we went thru moments that were good and bad,
even moments that were happy and sad.
you supported me when i was in tears,
we stuck together when we were in fear,

its really sad that it had to be this way,
but it has reached its very last day.
miles away cant keep us apart,
'cause you'll always be in my heart.

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
                from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

A Best Friend!
A friend that really cares!
All my secrets i can share!
There when i need a hand!
There to understand!

When i cry!
She will be by!
If i am away!
She will call me day by day!
If i need her at all!
She'll be there to stand tall!
Anything i say will be heard!
She will listen word by word!
If I am late!
She will open the gate!

As she looks in my eyes!
The sparkle she realize!
She is the one that cares!
And the one thats there!

That's a best Friend!

I prayed for you before we met,
Not knowing who you'd be.
I asked the Lord to send a friend.
One chosen just for me.

I asked that they'd be Godly,
With wisdom of His ways.
A friend to help and guide me
I the troubles of these days.

So often in life, we need someone
To listen while we talk.
Someone who will not condemn or judge,
But encourage us as we walk.
 
The narrow road we choose to follow
May sometimes make us stumble.
But to have a friend to catch our fall,
Teaches us to be humble.

When I asked the Lord to send a friend,
Though many came and went.
He gave much more than I ever asked,
For you are the friend He sent. 

Growing pains
Broken chains
A sad melody

Falling tears
Listening ears
A friend just for me

Reaching out
Sharing doubt
When life gets me down

Hands to clutch
Gentle touch
Can turn me around

Spoken words
Softly heard
Cognitivity

Holding tight
Loving light
Calm serenity

Hmmmhhh.. I don't know what should i write anymore. Friends, i'm sorry. 

ga ada judul

Hi strangers ! Apa kabar ? Gue lg males ber-english2 ria dan emang udah seharusnya gue tetep membudayakan bahasa Indonesia gue tercinta. Btw, gue sekarang lagi galau2nya. Kenapa? Yaaa.. atas pertanyaan yg akhir2 ini selalu ada di isi kepala gue. Tuhan yang menciptakan kita atau kita menciptakan tuhan ? I mean, it just a doctrin. Doktrin yang dibuat manusia beratus atau mungkin berabad2 tahun yang lalu, dan ditanemin didalam diri anak cucu manusia. Sehingga akhirnya jadi kepercayaan. Gue sih ga bisa ngejelasin lebih spesifik disini mengenai pemikiran gue ini. And then, selain masalah itu, gue juga ada pemikiran lain. Tapi ini sih lebih ke psikologi diri. Ini tentang gue dan tentang hidup gue, sekaligus pemikiran gue. Pengalaman emang ngajarin kita segalanya. Jujur, gue bosen buat selalu baik sm orang lain. Berarti gue ga ikhlas dong? Engga gitu juga ! Gue ikhlas, hanya aja gue capek buat baik. Kesalahan ada sama gue, bukan sama orang lain. Gue engga mau melibatkan orang lain dalam hidup gue. Gue engga mau menyalahkan orang lain yang ikut terlibat dalam proses 'pembentukan' jati diri gue. dan gue juga capek serta bosen mengeluh. Engga ada guna, engga ada hasil. Ini hidup gue, ini jalannya. Gue yang memilih, mikir dan mutusin. Gue capek buat selalu ngerasa sakit. Gue capek buat menaruh perasaan disetiap hal. Gue ini sociable tapi sebenernya anti-social. Gua engga tau sampe kapan sih benteng pertahanan diri gue bakal bertahan. Yang pasti, gue hanya percaya sama diri gue tentang semua yang gue jalani, gue pikirin, gue hadapin. Gue engga mau peduli dan ambil pusing lagi. Sudah cukup rasanya hidup gue di doktrin dan dirobotin. Nggak setuju ? Silahkan ambil alih buat ngehandle dan jalanin hidup gue kalo bisa.

life nowadays

Hi strangers ? How are you as long as i'm not write and posted something on my blogs ? I hope you all always happy wherever you are and keep stay tune to waiting for my news. Yeah, although now i don't have important things to i share, i still wanna write something that always haunted me for a last few days.

I realized, now i'm not kid anymore. I already grow up and can choose the choice by my self. I can thinking and doing everything that i feel it's true. Nowadays, my life is depend on my self. I can live in my life as i want. I can doing something that i'll  never thinking it before or doing something that i'll never do before. Everything is mine ! It's namely of freedom !

Is that a happy things ? Exactly ! I'll never found a freedom things as now before. Honestly, my life before is looks like a jail. BUT, i still have a risk. I still should thinking better and worst about something happen. Am i ? Can i controlled my self ? I SHOULD ! I have a god who always see me wherever i am. Oh yeah, i realized also. Now, i'm not looks like my self. I didn't know am i now is the real me or no . I can't choose and explain which one my true life and my soul. I changes all my pattern life. As i told : i just following my heart and brain. It's my own way. I can choose by my self and accepted all risk by my self. Ready or not yet. It's a life and my life. I should choose !

Hmmh.. If wanna talking about life, i think it won't ever stoppable. Okay, now i trying to back ward. Remembering my past. When i was i child, sibling as usual, always had a quarrel. Laughing and crying together. When we had  a quarrel the cried, both of us always wants one of us were gone. Yeah, it a past. We want a separated. But now, we all already grow up. We already have an own life. I far, my bro and sista' is far. We are all separated of different country. But, we still can't regreted. Because we already choosed. I choosed. You choosed.

And now, i realized. Togetherness is a quality time for me. It's a pricely momment. Although actually i still won't back to my country :D

Then, the important things are :

" WE  AREN'T KID ANYMORE AND NOW WE ALL SHOULD TRIED TO DO OUR BEST. GIVE OUR PARENT'S A PROVE THAT THEIR CHILDREN CAN GIVE A PRIDE "

: )

spirit and never give up for life