n e v e r

hopefully i can crying as the rain.
but i can't.
there's nothing tears drops.
make cheeks wet and make heart better.
i just cried, but in my deep heart.
as a thunder in my heart
i've breathing fastly.
i don't know what i'm serching for.
just pain and plain.
i'm sore and sorrow.
nobody's hear
nobody's listen me
no body's..
n e v e r

just a confession

dieu, je aimer il.
il vivre je.
il savoir en effet je.
il savoir bon et mauvais je.
et je savoir bon et mauvais il de mème.
il comprendre je.
toutes parfait.

yeah that's my confession .
to closing my heart sore actually.
that's just an aliby.
here's life
who our drive.
ah, i dunno :(

tetapi aku punya....

aku butuh seseorang yang ada disaat aku membutuhkannya,
tapi aku belum menemukannya.

aku butuh seseorang yang bisa mendengarkan ku bercerita,
tapi aku belum merasakannya.

aku butuh seseorang yang memberikanku nasihatnya,
tapi aku tidak menemukannya.

aku butuh seseorang yang memelukku saat aku menginginkannya,
tapi aku belum memilikinya.

tapi, selama ini aku punya tuhan.
yang selalu memberikan waktunya untukku.

aku punya tuhan yang selalu mendengarkan keluh kesahku.

aku punya tuhan yang selalu menenangkan hatiku.

aku punya tuhan yang selalu memeluk dalam mimpiku.

walaupun aku harus berkali kali terjatuh.
walaupun aku harus berkali kali menangis dlm hatiku.

walaupun aku harus tersenyum dlm sedihku.

walaupun aku harus mati sekalipun,

aku siap dan akan selalu siap.

aku hanya memiliki tuhan,
tujuan dan pengabdian.
sekarang dan juga nanti pada akhir hidupku...

only give never take ?

teman teman gw ( lebih dari satu dua orang tentunya ), suka bahkan banyak yang curhat sm gw .
pagi siang sore bahkan sampe gw enggak tidur juga.
gw sih no problemo slama gw bisa membantu mereka.
hanya aja ada satu hal yang akhir akhir ini ngebuat gw bertanya sama diri gw sendiri:

" kenapa gw enggak seperti mereka, yang bisa menceritakan masalahnya kepada temen terdekat mereka ? "

hal ini baru terusik dan terfikir tadi pagi.
getaran hp subuh subuh itu ngebangunin gw.
udah gw duga, itu ocha. temen deket gw ( lebih gw anggap adik sebenernya ).
punya sedikit masalah, ya tentu saja gw segera get up ( enggak pake wake up bin menggeliat geliat seperti biasanya dibawah selimut ).
melakukan apa yang seharusnya gw lakukan.
gw bantu sebisa gw, menenangkan dia sampai setenang tenangnya dan meredam emosinya.
mendengarkan segala curhatannya dia sambil berfikir tentang jalan keluarnya.

setelah smuanya clear,
dia bilang ke gw :
" ia yu, thx bgt sist :) ada waktu cha ada masalah. seneng banget. kalo ayu ada masalah juga, bilang yaaa "

kalimat sms yang sepele tapi akhir kalimat itu ngebuat gw berfikir.
gw bukannya enggak mempercayai . tapi gw enggak terbiasa buat bercerita.
gw suka bercerita, tentang apa saja.
kehidupan. tekhnologi, life style dan lain sebagainya.
tapi gw paling anti cerita tentang diri gw sendiri.
bahkan, kalo ada yang bertanya untuk minta klarifikasi kejelasannya sama gw, gw mungkin bakalan diem aja.
bukan apa apa. gw hanya enggak terbiasa.

biasanya gw hanya menulis menulis dan menulis sendiri . seperti diblogs ini .
gw bebas bilang apa aja. semua terserah gw.
tanpa ada yang peduli.
gw lebih bisa dan biasa dengan cara yang seperti itu.

mungkin benar, gw belom belajar caranya mempercayai.
tapi akan. gw akan coba . dan gw akan buktikan . gw bisa mempercayai orang lain.
berusaha .
meskipun enggak sepenuhnya, karena gw mesti tetap waspada.

itulah, hidup gw.
i give but i'm not take .

nice quote

pelajaran hidup nomor satu dua tiga empat dan lima, hari ini :


praying
giving
forgiving
positive thingking
and helping

make it life , make it easier, make it mine and make it smile :)

about 10 things

hal hal menarik, yang gw suka dai diri gw :

1. gw mencintai diri gw APA ADANYA
2. gw selalu berusaha jujur dengan apa yng terjadi dengan dan dalam hidup gw ( walopun kejujuran kadang menghasilkan rasa 'sakit' )
3. gw menerima konsekuensi dari kejujuran gw ( misalnya banya orang yang merasa 'ingin jauh' karena itu )
4. gw terbiasa bercerita dengan orang orang terdekat ( sahabat gw misalnya )
5. gw selalu bersikap adil ( tidak memihak )
6. gw mencintai kebebasan ( tentang apapun )
7. gw bisa menyembunyikan diri gw sebenernya dari orang orang 'sok tau'
8. gw bisa membuat alibi yang membuat orang terkecoh karena ingin menghancurkan gw
9. gw suka diri gw yang fleksibel
10. gw selalu berusaha tetap selalu hidup ditengah kerasnya hidup.


bukan narsis. tapi kadang kita perlu evaluasi untuk itu.
gw bukan juga termasuk orang yang perfeksionis, tapi gw juga bisa dikategorikan ke golongan itu.
gw tidak menyalahi aturan . tidak juga terlalu over.
apa adanya. yahhh apa adanya :)

games

i just played this sadist games.
to show you how psycho me.
i'm not mad.
maybe just freak.
i haven't feel anymore.
just cause this sore.
it's happened so bad
and deep in heart.
always heard sadly
absolutely badly.
not anymore dreaming.
not anymore sleeping.
there's just awake.
not anymore wake up.
never give up.
live as a push up.
live in a glitter.
or in a bitter ?
it isn't humour.
not anymore glamour.
at least,
just wants finished it!

you'll never....

i do this, cause i miss you
i do this, cause i need you
i do this, cause i love you
but whatever that i've done, it's doesn't mean for you.
actually, i just will show you
how much i love
but why ?
dissapointed ?
of course !

pamela redmond satran

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a youth she’s content to leave behind….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who
lets her cry…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a feeling of control over her destiny…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t
take it personally…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…
— Pamela Redmond Satran

copy from : this link

just published

even if you are not perfect
even if you don’t know the answer
even if you are horribly confused
even if you can’t make anyone feel better
even if you don’t know how to make yourself well
even if you made a mistake
even if you don’t know how to be
even if you are ashamed
even if you are hopeless
even if you don’t quite fit in
even if you are scared
even if you are lonely
even if you shouldn’t be having such a hard time right now
even if you don’t think so
even if you haven’t found your place yet
even if you aren’t proud of yourself
even if no one has really seen you before
even if you don’t know what to do
even if you try too hard
even if you’re disappointed
even if you don’t really like yourself right now
even if you are beyond good advice
even if you don’t know how to cry
even if you think this post must be meant for someone other than you


copy from : this link actually i really love this link. really honest and awesome .

something

i write you something
about the life
i read you something
about the smile
i told you something
about the lie
i whisp you something
about the cry
i show you something
about the hypocrite
i give you something
about the fake
i ask you something
about the happiness
i scream you something
about the pain
i nag you something
about the hurt
and everything ours
until times stop walking
our life's stop jurney
heart stop sound tapping
i can't thinking
and too writing
just eating sleeping
without mocking
when the life's stop ?
none knowing

our loves

Loves memory has traced our outline in this place.
But will the spider remember, or the sun?
Did the water capture our faces in permanence?
Does the wind create us anew as it blows?
Did the shadows from the trees record our passage beneath them?
Our secret been revealed.
Yet I have told no other.
I write these words in silence, in mute testimony
To what once was.
But our image remains alive in this place.
It can not be removed.
You, me,
We then,
Were here.
We saw the day and hoped for tomorrow.
We caught a brief glimpse of love’s promise.
We were not liars,
But thieves of time.
For now time has now forgotten us,
Yet our memory lingers, and love remembers
This place that was ours.

falling away

I am bored with love
and it’s passionless limbs
that drape over my bed
in a lethargic state of impotence
while wearing the same red heart
my soul picked up hitchhiking
off highway serendipity

Now here we are
alone in togetherness
trying to build dreams
with two by fours and glue,
but even a home
won’t tie us together
when our hearts live alone

Poetic vows cliched
into nothingness
like all words do, eventually
and we allowed
our bodies to become
another pair of hollow shadows
that make love to a wall
instead of each other
and we wonder why
the roses are dying

autumn times

autumn breeze frigidly touches ailing dreadful lives
harshly darkness quietly surrounds the broken souls
mellow serenades that once played between hearts
pathetically have transformed into bitter sad songs

somewhere beyond the flossy clouds
cupid has lost his romancing arrows
plays sad sonorous tunes on his bow
dedicated to all weepy lonely hearts

howling chilly wind blows through the mist
sounds of sorrow spread allover the place
fuzzy humid air submerges the inner lust
lives decay slowly as the autumn leaves fall…

i m i s s y o u

i miss you when i touched you
i miss you when you smile if i joke
i miss you when your face looks confused if i told you a story
i miss you when i remembered you
i miss you when i see your photos
i miss you when i see your name at my phone
i miss you when you cry if you told your problem
i miss you when i predicted your life with your hand
i miss you when shadow of your self allowed my mind
i miss you when our hand touching
i miss you about your smell
i miss you for all memories
i miss you when i back you didn't at home
i miss you when you changes
i miss the momment that we ever had together at one nite
i miss you when i had gone
i miss you when i leave you
i miss you when i saw your face sadly
i miss you when i knew you fake your smile
i miss you when i've done at aeroplane
i miss you when i've arrived
i miss you when i trip to back home
i miss you when i knew you didn't beside me
i miss you when i felt, you and me lonely
i miss you when i remembered u r alone at there
i miss you when i would showered my body
i miss you when i prayer
i miss you when i go to bed
i miss you when i heard song of you
i miss you when i hug to protect you
i miss you now
until i write, read and published it
i'm almost cry when remembered that we have separated for thousands miles
i miss you deep and damn well..

hopefully you would read this,
i don't know when i'll be there again.
but, wherever you are, i just show you that i really miss and missing you, exactly.
cause maybe just with this way you would knowing how it real..

than..

you hurt my feel
than you broke it
i can't see your face
than your eyes
never know what you think
than you scream loudly all your think

you make me crying
things who i really hate
ashamed me
than kill my soul
i would walking fastly
running away
and fade away

forgotin' everything
Leavin' everybody
Who will carry me back home?
who will caring me?
i think nothing.

i just wants go
am i odd ?
may i die ?
leave me alone
and than die in the loneliness

problem

rrrrrr..
i don't know what i think right now
it feel out of my mind
really didn't know too what must i do ?
ah yaa.. i feel so free cause my graduate * thx god *
just confused, where must i continue my journey ?
malaysia or unpad ?
why malaysia and indonesia always have complex conflics ?
and in unpad, am i good be there ?
am i good to college at there ?
i just scare my self if i alone at there.
scare bad influence will influencing me.
huuhhh god, help me from this problem that actually it isn't big problem.
i just confused and it'me . always .


hmm.. inside,
i miss someone at jakarta.
i don't know when i'll go to there again.

forbiden love ?

i dont know how i would explain this feel to you .
i'm over love you until make my breath feels so broken.
i dont know how i told you how much i love you
cause my heart scream loudly to show you how the realize
i dont know how i whisper you
to give you a expectation of my life
i know who you are
i know whose me
i know deep well who who and who both of us
and i know this is an incredible love
last, i really know this is a forbiden love !

song of . . .

dirimu tak pernah menyadari semua yg telah kau miliki
kau buang aku tinggalkan diriku
kau hancurkan aku seakan aku tak pernah ada

aku kan brtahan
meski takkan mungkin
menerjang kisahnya walau perih

salahkah aku terlalu cinta berharap semua kan kembali..
-vierra, perih

once more

kelak kau kan menjalani hidupmu sendiri
melupai kenangan yg telah kita lalui
yang tersisa hanya aku sdri dsini
kau akan terbang jauh menembus awan
memulai kisah baru tanpa diriku

seandainya kau tau
ku tak ingin kau pergi
meninggalkan ku sendiri bersama bayanganmu
seandainya kau tau aku kan slalu cinta
jangan kau lupakan kenangan kita slama ini. .

kelak kau kan menjalani hidupmu sendiri
melupai kenangan yang tlah kau lalui
kau kan terbang jauh menembus awan
memulai kisah baru tanpa diriku..
-vierra, seandainya

kenapa gw nulis lirik itu ?
karena lirik itu yang menggambarkan suasana hati gw .
apalagi saat kata kata, kau akan terbang jauh .
sebenarnya bukan dia yang menjauh.
tapi aku yang menjauh .
bukan dia yang melupai, tapi aku yang melupakan .
aku berusaha menghindari
agar tidak terkontaminasi .
karna aku cinta dia, jadi aku putuskan untuk meninggalkannya .
meskipun ia memeluk erat bahkan menciumku sebelum aku pergi
aku tak tau apa sebabnya .
apa mungkin karna ia tau perasaanku ?
menutup gundah gulanaku ?
atau berusaha memahamiku ?
yang jelas, aku merasa sakit saat ia memeluku.
aku lebih terluka saat menciumku .
aku tak tega meninggalkannya.
tapi aku harus bisa, agar aku lupa dan tak terjebak dlm situasi yang sama .
meski aku harus munafik tentang rasa yang bergejolak.
aku hanya takut menyakitinya.
hanya itu alasannya..
betapa aku mencintainya dan mengharapkannya..

for you

ku tak percaya
kau ada disini
menemaniku disaat dia pergi

sungguh bahagia kau ada dsini
menghapus semua skt yg kurasa

mungknkah kau merasakan smua yg kupasrahkan
tenanglah kasih

kusuka dirinya mungkin aku sayang
namun apakah mungkin kau menjadi milikku
kau pernah menjadi
menjadi miliknya
namun salahkah aku bila kupendam rasa ini

vierra- rasa ini

fb l nsr !

ini sesuatu yang menyakitkan buat aku
benar benar menyakitkan bila harus terulang lagi !
aku berusaha untuk menjauhinya,
tapi bibir ini selalu menyebut, memanggil namanya..
seolah olah dia milikku,
dan ia pun juga.

tapi itu kan hanya fatamorgana?
itu tidak bisa jadi nyata
apalagi jika harus berdampingan dengannya
bersama !

aku tak butuh kau ada selalu untukku
aku hanya ingin, kau biarkan aku disisimu.
aku tak ingin aku menjadi pengikatmu
aku hanya ingin kau jadikan aku pelindungmu

aku ingin sekali menyentuhnya..
tapi aku tak bisa,
aku ingin sekali memuatmu tertawa
tapi bebanmu terlalu berat untuk berhawa.

aku hanya ingin kamu tau,
i love you..
meski aku tau tak bisa dan takkan pernah.

all answer

everybody ask me,
" how if you alone ? still be you as you like usual or what ? "
honestly, i dont know, how must i answered .
hemm..like now, what you think that i write this while i've joke ?
no no, i think not .
i've serious and misterious side who endeavor to not show it .
there'snt cause answer if everybody ask me why .
importantly, if i just self, i've long thinks about all who ever i've done, next destination of my life and other.
like now,fb love.

-a- capital

again and again he makes me confuse.
although we know there's not matter happen.
i don't know why ?
why i don't know ?
stupid things who always i've .
i don't know what we have done, and makes me feel pain..
you are different !
why you ?
why you ?
you why ?
you why ?
hahhhhh....
pain come back ?
or bored has come ?
i don't know,
just would say ..
I LOVE YOU
although we aren't .

-a-

hate the badmemories who always hunt me

the stupidest things who ever i've done, is when i told my big secret to people who i love !
as a donkey, told anything that actually must i closed .
but why ? i just want to tell the reality ..
there's a crossroad, must i told or i shut .
hate the mouth damn well.
and crying loud and die after told.
wish i forgot the things who i wanna told to them, or if already told,
i died and the story of me that i told, is gone..
aaarghhh ya yayayayayayyayaaa
i donno
it's right or wrong .

if i don't tell, as i 've big problem in my shoulder, but if i told, all may , may be done..
hate life
hate mouth
hate live
hate all who makes me HATE !

if i can.... i would......................................................................... .........................................................................................................................

no one know what i feel what i want ang know the mean.
with the keywords who i give,
must thankfull cause that, or thankless ?
for this situation, maybe thankfull be a better way .



fortoabadmemories who i would lost,
although i can't and always hunt me .