Life will never get easier, it just us who get stronger

There were a moment where i thought i couldn't stay any longer with family. Everything has rules that i couldn't broke it. And eventho i was surrounded by many people, i still felt alone. At that time.

Then, almost 5 years ago, my life really begun.

I moved out to city, to country that i never been before. I mean, i visited this country just for holiday, not for staying and starting my life. But that was just how my life. I, you, we couldn't ever predict what will happen the next eventho just the next five minutes.

Here, almost 5 years.

I have through bad and good things. Not even bad, the worst. Where the lowest point of my life and the best thing in my life happened. I met a lot of kind of people and friends, who taught me everything.

Many people come and go. And i realized, i have missed a lot of things about my family.

I ain't longer there, with them. Whenever it has an occasion, my family member uploading the photo's or video's to social media's, i found me.... Not in every pictures.

I was here, stand still watching them through my 2 years iPad, gifted by my dad.

And thinking, i wish i could be there. But, i couldn't. I hold them back, all of my feeling. After all, this is my decision to moved out to where i belonged.

It just kind of sad, where you are living alone and a loneliness is your friend. The only friend that you have. That is the only option that you have. Because i have no better option.

My home kinda mess of lots of things. I thought that it is not a girl home HAHA

The saddest things are where i have to cook a lot of things, not for me and friends. But it was for me. My self. Three times meal for a day. So i wouldn't cook anymore. Re-heat the food will be fine.

And i keep talking to my self about this and that. Just like there were friends with me. Eventho i realized, it just me there.

Life will never get easier, it just us who get stronger.

if no one cheer me up in any situation, at least i have my self to lean on. I shouldn't give up for any situation of life.

Home, just can't wait to see you within few days. Before i have to continue my journey of life again in here or in other countries :)

We Are Dead...

Dear You,

There are a lot of things that i am sure you are complaints about me,
I know that right.
I am not a perfect lady as you imagine.
I am not.

There are a lot of story that you never know about me,
not even noticed.
Don't you?

This lady who always smile actually have a really bad temper.
Now you know that, right?
This lady who always surviving, at the end could leaving.
You feel that, right?

After all,
The sweetest words that we ever said would be the bitter memory ever.
No more the smile whenever we see the moon
Not even care if it's full of half
Not even care if it's bright or not
All we know just,
Our love looks like perfect from afar
But actually it was not
It was not perfect at all
It was broken in everywhere

You said that i am the sweetest
But don't you know even the sweetest thing can hurt you?
The sweetest is not the best
It is the truly poison
And i am poisoning you
Your life

We are dead....

A little wishes

These are just a little wishes from the bottom of my heart:

I wish, i have someone who will love me endlessly. Love me unconditionally. Fight for me. Sacrifice for me. Afraid to lose me. Proud of me. Will hold my hand tightly, in front of his friends. In front of everyone. Just like, he really dont ever let me go, happy with me and happy to be mine. Telling my Dad, he will treat his little girl as a princess. And stay with me forever.

But yet, i have to bury that wishes. That hope. That dreams. Nobody will love me endlessly, love me unconditionally, fight for me, sacrifice for me, afraid to lose me, proud of me, hold my hand tightly in front of his friends. In front of everyone.

Now, wake up A.

Me, Love and Life

A lot of people asked me "do you ever broken heart?", "do you ever sad?", "why you always looks happy?".

Honestly, that was the stuppidessssst question ever. Me, absolutely ever broken heart, ever sad. I'm a human too. Ordinary human. But i just don't want every body knows about my sadness. I don't want every body knows what i truly feels inside.

I fall in love with people soooo many times. Kinds of people who ever get me stuck with them. But, i get broken heart by them for uncounted times too. Balance.

And whats my secret to be happy? Self acceptance, forgive and forget. Letting go and moving on. Don't ever let your self get trapped in the past. Move forward to the future.

"Sakit hati itu biasa, jatuh cintalah sebanyak-banyaknya."

-A

Sometimes, i think...

Sometimes, i think what we do.
What are we doing?
I know, we don't need to put any label on it.
As long as, we are happy.

Sometimes, i think what we do.
What are we doing?
We fall in love each others.
Loving, hugging, laughing like tomorrow will never comes.

Sometimes, i think what we do.
What are we doing?
What is the thing that i'm not sure about you?
Why i don't see my future with you?
Then why should i stay?

Sometimes, i think what we do.
What are we doing?
I'd say,i love the time i spend with you.
But, if you find the right one in your life, will you leave me without any traces?

Sometimes, i think what we do.
What are we doing?
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that tomorrow will not be the same.
As we do usually. As we do right now.

Sometimes, i think what i think.
Am i too much thinking?

I Love US.

HAPPY 21 DEAR ME !

Bonjour!

Ini adalah postingan pertama setelah menginjak usia 21 tahun *ahem*. Honestly, mungkin saya adalah orang teraneh di dunia yang fana ini. Tidak pernah terlalu excited dengan ulang tahun terutama diri sendiri. Menurut saya pribadi, ulang tahun bukannya justru harus hura-hura, tapi lebih baik merenung dan bersyukur. Sekaligus sedih juga karena umur di dunia berkurang dan..... mikir udah berbuat baik apa aja?.

Semakin kesini, semakin dewasa, tentu saja saya semakin sering menemui orang-orang baru. Semakin banyak juga konflik yang terjadi. Thats's why i hate to grow up. Menjadi dewasa itu tidak menyenangkan. Adult is a trap. Tanggung jawab semakin banyak, otak semakin sering di forsir untuk berfikir. Mengambil dan memilih keputusan dengan hati-hati. Dan lain-lain hal sebagainya. 

Dewasa ini, saya sudah tidak terlalu memikirkan socialita lagi. Gaul sana sini, nongkrong sana sini. Stay di rumah lebih baik daripada nongkrong tidak jelas. Masih tetap (berusaha) humble sama semua orang, tapi bukan caper seperti layaknya abege (anak baru gede). WOW! I feel amazing with my self! Unbelievable, saya sudah 21 tahun! Even, well.... ages just a number.

Yang paling terasa sekali di usia yang semakin dewasa adalah persahabatan. Mungkin pada saat di usia labil saya telah mengenal banyak orang, memperhatikan sifat-sifat dan perilaku mereka, di usia sekarang ini saya semakin merasa mana yang betul-betul teman, mana yang 'mengaku-aku' teman. Iyalah, semua orang akan mengaku dekat disaat kita diatas popularitas. Saat kita bukan siapa-siapa? Tentu saja dilupakan.

Sejak tahun kemarin, saya banyak memberi batasan-batasan terhadap diri sendiri. Untuk tidak terlalu dekat dengan siapa-siapa, tidak membagi informasi yang bersifat personal di social media, tidak berkomen yang aneh-aneh terhadap siapapun. Ibaratnya, kalo tidak bisa menjadi solusi, ya jangan membuat masalah :p

Terima kasih yang tidak terhingga untuk orang-orang yang ingat ulang tahun saya tanpa tau gara-gara melihat social media saya membanjiri timeline mereka. Terima kasih untuk teman-teman yang bela-belain bikin surprise tengah malem, teman-teman yang bela-belain nahan ngantuk dan capek cuma buat ngucapin pas jam 12 malem, teman-teman yang kekeuh banget nyari foto-foto a(ja)ib saya lalu di sebar di social media mereka, teman-teman yang ngasih saya kado! Hahaha sumpah, saya berasa masih bocah. Terharu beraaaaatt :'), teman-teman yang selalu stick up together with me -- menerima saya apa adanya. Termasuk berbuat dosa bersama! Hahaha xD

Terakhir, terima kasih sampai mati untuk dua orang sahabat sehidup semati sejiwa saya yang sangat mengetahui, mengenal dan menerima diri, cerita, keluh kesah, gombalan dan rengekan saya tanpa bosan dan henti! Jangan pernah lelah dan menyerah yah sama akuhhh :') I LOVE YOU 'TIL THE END OF MY LIFE! I LOVE YOU 'TIL MY HEART STOP BEATING, I LOVE YOU 'TIL I COULDN'T BREATH, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MY SELF! YOU GUYS ARE MY PRIORITY!

Happy 21, Dear ME!!!! But don't worry, i'm still 17! FOREVER 17! Hahahaha

Regards,

-A 

Two Days Ago, It Feels Surreal

Hallo, Dear You

Two days ago...
It feels surreal that i was waiting for you.
And you were hiding me from your friend that i was with you.

Two days ago...
It feels surreal that finally we made a decision to go somewhere together.
Just both of us.

Two days ago...
It feels surreal that you were holding my hands,
It feels surreal that you were hugging me tightly,
It feels surreal that i was leaning my hand to your shoulder,
It feels surreal that you were embrace me in your chest,
It feels surreal that i was sleeping in your thigh,
It feels surreal that you pat my head,
It feels surreal that you were stroking my cheeks,
It feels surreal that you were trying to protect me from the cold,
It feels surreal that we share the same earphone and listening to music together,
It feels surreal that the laugh and the smile that you made at that day just for me.

Two days ago...
It feels surreal that i was waiting the bus for 3 hours with you,
The adventure that usually i do by my self.
But, two days ago i was spend my time with you.
It feels surreal that i was spend my 10 hours with you.

Thanks for it.
For that day, the day that i may never repeat it again and again.

Regards me,
The one who don't know what to describe us.

-A